Ten things A groom should never say on his wedding day
Take our word on this, grooms – especially the bit about the sandals…
1. “I take thee, Rachel.”
Unless your bride’s name is Rachel, obviously, in which case it’s perfectly acceptable. We’re of course talking about that cringe-worthy Ross moment from Friends where he forgets his bride-to-be’s name and replaces it with that of his ex-girlfriend’s. It’s Emily by the way Ross, Em-i-ly.
2. “I’ve just finished choreographing our first dance! Do you think the DJ has Harlem Shake?”
We’ve all seen the hilarious Youtube video where the bride and groom bust out a routine to I Like Big Butts, but be sure to give your fiancée plenty of notice if you’re planning a novelty dance to a rap about butts. Also bear in mind that however good at throwing shapes your future wife may be, it is very, very difficult to pull off The Worm in a fitted white dress.
3. “Can I wear sandals?”
Unless you’re tying the knot on the white sands of a far-flung beach, the answer to this will probably be a resounding ‘no’. Even at a more laid-back event, suit trousers and flip-flops take ‘Smart/Casual’ to a whole new level.
4. “It’s just a party.”
… Albeit a party that spells the beginning of the rest of your lives together! Yes, there will be invites, food and fun so technically it is a party – but it’s not ‘just’ a party. Tread carefully, my friend.
5. “Good news, honey – our big day falls at the end of Mo-vember. My handlebar moustache will have grown in nicely by then!”
While everyone applauds your charitable efforts, bear in mind your ‘tache might just make you look like a criminal or ’70s pornstar. Is that really a good look for the wedding album? Answers on a postcard, please…
6. “Can’t you wear something you already own?”
This is usually a valid suggestion in response to: “I need a new dress for the weekend. I have literally nothing to wear!”, but for the W-day, brides will want to invest in something new and special. Come on. You know this. Why did you even ask?
7. “You look nice.”
‘Nice’ is not an acceptable adjective to ever describe a bride. Choose instead from one of the following: beautiful, gorgeous, radiant, exquisite, stunning, perfect, wonderful, divine or breathtaking. Also avoid: fine, different and shapely.
8. “You know what would be fun? Fancy dress!”
Even if she usually jumps at the chance to be the Wilma to your Fred, the Hermione to your Ron or the back-end of a camel to your front-end, the costumes are probably best left to Halloween. Just sayin’.
9. “Let’s just move the date.”
If you have a good reason, then maybe. But if the reason is that the wedding is on a Tuesday and you don’t want to miss The Great British Bake Off finale, your future wife is well within her rights to change fiancé before she switches the date.
10. “I want to wear white too.”
Answer ‘yes’ to any of the following questions and you can get away with a white suit. Are you getting married abroad? Are you effortlessly hip and cool? Are you John Travolta, Elvis or Colonel Sanders? No? Well, this is awkward…